Welcome to the Captain’s Column. Together we will sail the season’s waves, weather the storms of defeat and surf the tsunamis of victory. There will be no room for Seaman Stains or Master Bates on the good ship HOB.

 So what will this season hold? How will HOB fair in the harsh bogs of amateur, midweek, friendly, twenty over cricket? Who will play like gladiators? Who will rise from nowhere? Who on the other hand will be found out? Who will lack the commitment of winners? Who will sink into obscurity?

Answers to these questions will become apparent throughout this Summer.

Whilst flicking through a book of humorous sporting quotes that I was kindly given this Christmas from Thomas William, I came across a quote I think we should all bear in mind this season. ' Personally I have always looked upon cricket as organised loafing' (former Arch Bishop of Canterbury William Temple)

Oscar Wilde proved just as cynical ' It requires one to assume such indecent postures'
Mr Wilde should stick to what he's good at. Just because the stance of a batsman when facing a delivery could be construed as a mating call to members of a certain minority group in our society, doesn’t make it in any way indecent to the rest of us more 'traditional' players.

Groucho Marx, on being shown a painting of an early cricket match in the Long Room at Lords, elaborates on Oscars view. ' I guess this homo business started earlier than I thought'; which is possibly relevant to some of our squad.

Finally some words of 'true' wisdom for those of you with nagging girlfriends (or those who answer back), and who better to provide this insightful advice than the great Fred Truman. ' You should treat women the same way a Yorkshire batsman used to treat a cricket ball. Don't stroke em', don't tickle, just give em' a ruddy good belt.'

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you all to the club on behalf of myself and Ashley and hope you all will enjoy what should be a bloody good summers cricket. I leave you with part of Henry V famous Battle of Agincourt speech and as a motivator of a similar calibre I truly understand what Henry was trying to achieve with his troops. You are my troops and onward to victory we shall march...

'We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
 For he today that sheds his blood with me
 Shall be my brother, be he ne'er so vile,'

Fatty Arbuckle aka your captain